Shadows in Me Read online

  Shadows in Me

  By

  Culine Ramsden

  All rights reserved:

  Names and characters appearing in this work are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead is purely coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or otherwise, without express written permission of the author.

  Disclaimer:

  I don’t own any of the brands i.e. Nike, CK, etc. or the music that might appear in the story.

  Contents

  All rights reserved:

  Disclaimer:

  Playlist

  Acknowledgements

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Playlist

  I’d come for you. - Nickelback

  Far away - Nickelback

  Animal - Maroon5

  Miss you - Nickelback

  Make you miss me - Sam Hunt

  All of Me - John Legend

  If you want a bad boy - Brantley Gilbert

  The heart wants what it want - Selena Gomez

  Added extra, inspiration while writing

  Gotta be somebody - Nickelback

  The Heart wants what it wants - Selena Gomez

  I know you - Skylar Grey

  It ain’t pretty - Lady Antebellum

  Love too much - Hunter Hayes

  Satellite - Nickelback

  It was always you - Maroon 5

  Acknowledgements

  This book is dedicated to my darling husband, Glenn. We met when I was nineteen years old and he was seventeen. What a combination, I was sweet and innocent, a farm girl from Kimberley, and Glenn was the bad boy type from Johannesburg. Like so many love stories, our story started with boy meets girl, boy irritates girl to get her attention, then boy literally sweeps girl off her feet on a volleyball court.

  We were so young, but I knew back then already it was true love. I can honestly say I am more in love now than I was when we first met. I often find myself thinking about our love for each other, and I know I’m one hell of a lucky lady.

  Thank you to my friend and editor, Charlene Goncalves for making it look and sound perfect.

  I want to thank my new cover model Jacques Fagan, wow, what an amazing person, humble, focused and inspirational.

  Also a big Thanks to Gert Erasmus (cover design) and Tarryne Rautenbach (photographer).

  Chapter 1

  Brent

  Waking up this morning I knew in my gut something was going to go wrong, but orders were orders. The sky was dark, mist so low you couldn’t even see the tops of the hills. I had always wanted to come to Africa, but hell, not this derelict part of the country. There was so much death in this area already, buildings blown up, people misplaced, and kids orphaned.

  It was late afternoon, dark grey clouds hanging over us. Walking down the narrow road I could feel their eyes burning into us, watching our every move. But I couldn’t see them. I needed to focus on what was happening around me, but I couldn’t get those blue eyes out of my head. My thoughts of Caitlin were all that got me through the shit, hoping that one day I would get to see her again. I just wanted her to know the real me; I just wanted a chance to show her.

  Twenty yards from the end of the street a bunch of kids were gathered around an old car, I could hear screaming coming from under the car.

  Rick was the first one to approach the kids, Frank and Lester stayed by the Humvee, but something didn’t feel right. As we walked up to them the kids scattered.

  “AMBUSH, take cover.” I shouted.

  I looked around to see a white flash shoot up from the top of the building to the left of us, and it was as if everything changed into slow motion. The Humvee flew into the air. The smell of gun powder mixed with fresh blood hung heavy in the air. It was mayhem. Bullets came from everywhere. One hit me in the stomach, thank God for my protective gear…it knocked the wind out of me but I managed to stay on my feet. We had walked right into it. It was really bad, I needed to get my men out of there.

  “Rick, Rick where are you?” I started shouting. Trying to see through the shit was impossible, I needed to find my men, they were my responsibility.

  “GHOST!!” I shouted out.

  “RICK where are you?” I called again, more desperate.

  “Ghost, Frank and Lester were down and I couldn’t see Matt.”

  ********

  “Hey, wake up” a soft hand on my heart pulled me from that horrid place. I opened my eyes, with the moonlight coming through the window I could only just make out the silhouette leaning over me. A beautiful curvy goddess, long hair cascading over her shoulders just covering the curves of her breasts. I knew it wasn’t Caitlin, but when I closed my eyes every woman I was with was her.

  “I’m fine, don’t stress.” I lifted my hand and gently ran my thumb over her bottom lip that was still swollen from me claiming her just a few hours ago. God, I am such a dog. But I need to be inside her again, I need to forget.

  In one quick movement I flip her onto her back, pinning her under me. I needed to taste her, to feel her all around me. I licked and bit my way down to where I needed to be, I loved the way she panted my name, gripping my shoulders, her nails digging into me. I was going to have her screaming my name soon, I buried myself in her and fucked out every dark shadow that was in my head. I loved watching a woman come undone under me, their eyes rolling back and their bodies reacting to my touch. I collapsed next to her on the bed, my heart racing and my cock throbbing.

  I turn my head to look at her, but what I saw wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t ecstasy it was pity. I hate that, I hate pity, it pisses me off. I know it’s not fair to be pissed at Roxy she’s only human, and it’s a natural reaction to the night terrors she saw in me.

  “What the hell? We’ve just had sex! Why do you have that look on your face? Didn’t you enjoy yourself?” I flipped the covers off and swung my legs off the bed. I just needed to get away. I grabbed my jeans off the floor.

  “I’ll call you a cab, you better get home it’s late, and you have work tomorrow. Cassy will be pissed if you’re late.” I grabbed my phone from the night stand and walked out the room. I looked at her reflection in the mirror as I left, I felt like shit, but that was just how it was!

  The past three years have been hell, and the only image that’s pulled me back from the deepest darkest places is Caitlin. I open the image on my phone that I took the day on the beach when I said “Good Bye”

  It killed me to walk away from her that day. All I wanted was to protect her, to take her away from all the pain.

  I’ve kept in touch with Sam, Caitlin’s friend; she’s sweet but not my type. Who was my type? Every girl I’ve ever brought home in some way, was Caitlin. But from what Sam had told me, Caitlin was still free again and fair game.

  Roxy was pissed. She stomped through my place grabbing her scattered clothes. She hardly looked my way, almost slamming the door in my face when I tried to walk her out. I made sure she got in the cab alright and gave the driver $ 50 to take her home. I guess we wouldn’t be doing a sleep over again, but I just didn’t need complicated.

  There was no sleeping after that for
me, what was the point? Either way I was in hell, on the one side it was death and destruction, the shadows of my past. On the other, the love for a woman, who wasn’t mine.

  At least my music kept my mind focused. I started the track to I’d come for you, from Nickleback. The crowd at Duke’s loved it when I started with that one, little did they know it was for her, and her alone.

  After coming back from hell, I always needed a place to crash, this time my mom was not an option, she and my dad were back together and from what she said to me in her last letter, I wasn’t welcome. My Dad had charmed her again. God, I don’t know how a woman can fall for shit like that. What was wrong with her, she’s been pushed and shoved, beaten and demoralized? Who the hell will put up with shit like that? I just don’t get it.

  I came into town with just my duffel bag and my guitar. I left my truck with Grams before I left for Africa, and just hadn’t had the courage to go get it. I knew I needed to go back to the farm but I just couldn’t, I needed to find myself first.

  I had seen the sign “BARMAN NEEDED” at Duke’s, and applied. Pete had a small apartment above the pub that I rented. During the day I played barman and at night, Pete allowed me to entertain the locals. Pete and his daughter Cassy, ran the place.

  It had been six months, and I was starting to feel like I could finally put the shadows behind me.

  It was after 12pm when I finally walked into Duke’s. My head wanted to explode and my eyes felt like sandpaper. I was already late for work but couldn’t think of an excuse – after all, I live right upstairs from the joint.

  Cassy was gonna have my ass for lunch and dinner. As tiny as she was, she could throw a punch. I’d never let her know though that pissing her off just to see those cheeks of hers flair up, was the highlight of my day. Her jet black hair and chocolate brown eyes were such a pretty contrast to her pale white skin, and those amazing red lips and cheeks. But in the end, it didn’t matter, she wasn’t Caitlin. Caitlin was imprinted on my soul, I would always love her.

  “You have a late one? I see Roxy’s not coming in tonight, she told Dad she can’t work here anymore. Please tell me you didn’t take her home last night!”

  “What’s it to you if I did?” I snapped back. Fuck, I can’t believe she’s busting my chops about this.

  “Oh my god, you did!! She shot me a disgusted look. What is it with you and blondes?” Cassy shook her head and turned around to walk away.

  “They’re more fun in bed!” I smirked and walked towards the bar to put my guitar away.

  “Oh piss off, just stop fucking the help, if you keep it up you won’t be on stage anymore and I’ll have your ass busting tables.”

  “Yes, Cassy darling I will try my best to keep it in my pants.” I said, sarcastically.

  I got stuck in restocking the pub, true as nuts, Roxy did not come back. The other girls gave me shit the whole day, maybe I should try fix it. I was rude last night. I really did need to try being more of a gentle man.

  The night dragged on, and after Sam’s text things had taken a turn for the worst. My gig was crap. Every song reminded me of my blonde princess.

  By 1am I finished my last song, but then helped out behind the bar. I really screwed things up with Roxy last night, now Cassy has to bust tables instead of working the bar. I don’t like it when she works the tables, men can be such dogs.

  By 2am she kicked the last of them out. I stayed till she finished cashing up, then made sure she got home ok. Pete’s been sick for a few days now; I could see Cassy was worried about him, but she didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about it. From what the staff told me Cassy’s mom had passed away from Cancer when she was thirteen, and Pete raised her on his own.

  Chapter 2

  Vincent

  It’s been just over three year since the day I nearly lost the love of my life. Thinking back, seeing the fear and helplessness in her eyes. Her body beaten and broken. How could a man do that to such an amazing beautiful woman?

  When that gunshot went off and they both fell to the ground at the same time, I was terrified; I didn’t know who was shot first? Did Brent get him before he took Caitlin’s life?

  The first year after was hard for Caitlin, her nightmares were bad and I mean really, really bad. For six months she woke up almost every night screaming, crying. Heather eventually asked me to move in, she couldn’t calm Caitlin. I tried to get her to come and live with me but she was a stubborn girl, and insisted that she wouldn’t be forced to rearrange her life because of Hunter. She was not going to let him rule her life…even in death.

  So I moved in. I loved this girl, she was my world and I would not lose her again.

  Watching Caitlin say goodbye to Brent that day on the beach, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Deep down in my heart I knew she had feelings for him, even if she wasn’t ready or willing to admit it. I sure as hell knew he had feelings for her. He told me as much when he came looking for her. But he had walked away from her in the end without a fight.

  Caitlin’s friend Sam, had been in contact with him since he’d left. From what I understood he was somewhere in Africa. I’d been there, it wasn’t easy, but after losing my platoon for the second time, I just couldn’t do it again.

  Tomorrow was the 4th of July, and we were spending it with Jo and Henry. Henry still hadn’t forgiven me for what had happened to Caitlin. I had promised him that I would protect her, and then we nearly lost her.

  When we saw them for Christmas last year I had asked Henry’s permission to marry her, but he wasn’t impressed. He told me to wait till she turned twenty-one before I even thought about it. Well that day was finally in sight.

  Jo helped me arrange a surprise party for Caitlin, at their home. Their house wasn’t big, but it had the perfect setting, the dark blue mountains in the background and the beach and wide open sea in front. Jo had arranged for caterers to come and set up and I got a DJ to do the music for us.

  I intended to make it a night to remember, I could finally ask Caitlin to be my wife. Henry had said I needed to wait, and wait I did.

  Heather and Cole were flying in just before the party. Over the past few years I had come to love Heather, just as much as Caitlin does, she’s been a really good friend to Caitlin and she knows just how to handle her. She’s got Cole wrapped around her little finger too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he popped the question before I did.

  I needed to try get out of fetching Heather and Cole from the airport. I still had so much to do before the party. Heather had been tasked with taking Caitlin shopping after they had been picked up from the airport, poor Cole had no choice in the matter. I’m going to need to make it up to him. Jo and I needed at least three hours to get everything set up.

  We had decided to have the food set up on the wooden deck overlooking the beach, a dancefloor built into the sand with hundreds of lanterns all over the beach, and a big bonfire on the right hand side. Henry has arranged with one of his contacts to come and do a big fireworks display. They would be set up a little further down the beach.

  Caitlin walked into the room, dressed in a purple dress that hung to her feel and her hair tied up. She was absolutely radiant, how could I be so lucky? Being nearly double her age, it’s hard for her parents to accept me, but I know we’re destined to be together, she’s the other part of my soul.

  “Vincent, are you ready to go? They’ll be landing soon.” She props her hands on her hips, clearly irritated.

  I tried my hardest not to laugh at the look on her face when she saw I was still in my jocks.

  “You’re still not dressed! Come one, you can’t be serious; I woke you up over an hour ago. We’re going to be late!” She started walking towards me.

  “Gorgeous, you’re going to have to go without me, I feel dreadful, I can’t move.” I prop myself up against the pillows, pretending to be in pain.

  She walked towards the bed, leaning over to place her hand on my head. Her eyes squint and her mouth pulls into a pout
. She knows I am faking.

  “Mmmh you don’t look sick, don’t have a temperature, so what’s wrong with you?” She kept her hand on my head while looking into my eyes.

  I took her hand in mine, brought it to my mouth and placed a soft kiss on top of it.

  “I must have eaten something, my guts are killing me.” I’m not too sure if she believed me, she placed her hand over mine, turned my hand over and kissed my palm. She brought my hand down to her lap and looked me in the eyes again.

  “Ok, I’ll get my mom to bring you something to make you feel better, I need to run. Heather will kill me if I’m late. She’s planned for us to go shopping, but poor Cole will be stuck with us. He’s not going to be happy with you.” She got up to leave, but I grip her by the wrist and pull her onto my lap, I was just about to kiss her when she pushed against my chest.

  “Don’t you dare kiss me, I don’t want to get sick, it my birthday tomorrow!”

  As if I wouldn’t remember her birthday. I pretended to look disappointed by her rejection.

  She walked out of the room and called for her mom. I listen to her giving her mother instructions to look after me and make sure I’m in good health by the time she returned home. Not long after, I heard her car pull off, followed by a knock on the door. It could only be Jo.

  “Just a minute.” I jumped out of bed and pulled my sweats on, didn’t fancy being in my underwear with my future mother-in-law in the room. I walked to the door just as the second knock came. I opened to find Jo carrying a breakfast tray. “Good morning.” She says cheerily. “You know she doesn’t believe for one second that you’re sick!” Jo gave me a lopsided smile.

  “Yeah, I’m not going to win an Oscar for that performance.” I took the tray from her and placed it on the table next to the door.

  “You better get yourself ready; we have lots to do before she gets back. Let’s hope Heather manages to keep her busy for most of the day. I’ve arranged for the caterers to come around at two this afternoon, but you need to get the dancefloor up before then. I’ve asked Henry to help.” She turned and started walking away.